I decided to come to the United States for high school by myself at the age of 14. Little did I know how much impact that seemingly exciting decision would have on me, and more importantly, my Chinese identity. Being proud of having yellow skin, black hair and eyes, honoring the efforts of those who defended our home country and founded the great republic, celebrating the traditional holidays - these are the things that I remembered about being Chinese, or let’s say how I was taught to be Chinese through my eight years of formal Chinese education. Yet for the past six years, I live most of my days without feeling any of the pride that I was supposed to have. Looking at my days in my elite boarding school in New England, I realized that I was intentionally and unintentionally re-constructing myself. I would always introduce myself as Hans rather than Yuxin, my legal Chinese first name. It was partially to spare the troubles for people to pronounce a name that they have never seen but it was also to make myself feel more American. I felt so self-conscious about my English at the beginning of high school so I would even avoid speaking Chinese for days. And for the holidays that I was always excited to celebrate, I would just forget about them because they often occurred in the midst of the American academic calendar. What I struggled the most with was talking about Chinese politics with my peers. At home, politics was not something that you would discuss with your family and friends over dinner table. However, as China has developed fast in the past few years, U.S. mainstream media started antagonizing China more. I often get questions like: “what’s the smog like there?” “what do you think of Tibet?” Overwhelmed, I started feeling more and more disappointed at China, and even ashamed of being Chinese. All the sudden, my nationality and ethnicity became censorship, communism, and authoritarianism. I started to question if all I learned about my country was false. How do I feel proud about being Chinese when I learned so much about what I did not have access to? I turned to my family and my friends back home for some comforting. My mother would be understanding when I shared with her about my questions regarding Chinese policies, such as the ethnic minority policies in Inner Mongolia in relation to the efforts there to prevent further grassland degradation. However, I’ve also faced hardship in these conversations back home. When I was trying to bring up what happened in Tiananmen Square in 1989, my family friend instantly started yelling at me for “forgetting my roots.” But where are my roots when I cannot even have discussions about my country’s government? Recently, I’ve found to a way to cope with my uncertainties; I started to break down my baggages of being Chinese into culture and politics, and I started embracing my Chinese identities with speaking my language more often, celebrating more of the traditional holidays, and drinking more tea from home. Regarding Chinese politics, I would be critical of them while also acknowledging the limitations of ruling such a huge population with only one political party. I began to gain that sense of pride again for having come from a culture that had such long history and traditions. More importantly, I have found my space at Pomona, ISMP, to share my struggles and to continue to construct my identity. -Hans Yuxin Zhou '20
1 Comment
Jen Kwiatek
10/3/2018 08:57:51 am
Yuxin, this is beautifully written. I am so glad I read it so that I can better understand what our students are going through. I am also glad that I have had the privilege of knowing you and working with you on our yearbooks. You are an insightful and inspiring young man. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
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